Dear Diary
by Saitaina R. Moricia
Summary: Rage writes in a diary of love lost and found again after six years. AU


_I met the love of my life when I was twelve years old. I can remember eveyrthing about that day. What I was wearing, where we were, the smells around us (which considering it was a New York Subwaywasn't worth describing), the feelingsbut most of all I remember his smile._

He was beautiful. Like a ray of sunshine that broke through the clouds. Golden hair, pale fleshand the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But that smilethat shy, hesitant smile was what really captured me. Then he spoke.

**"Would you pardon for me? My... paper? Note... book."**

_A simple sentence, in halting English and my world was swept away from what I knew. Everything I had thought, felt, desired, lusted for changed in that moment. It would be forever tied to this shinning boy._

He was sixteen, on the cusp of becoming a man, and I was just some little girl who had been sitting on his notebook. But fate has a weird way of tying lines together. We became friendthe best of friends in some ways. He was a stranger in a very strange land and I was lonely, never having had any real friends that Papa didn't buy for me.

I was obsessed with him, loved him, lusted for himbut he was not to be mine. I knew that the moment we met. For not only was there an age difference

He was my Sunshine's world. Always there, in the background, watching over him with those eyes that revealed far more about what he wanted then he intended them to.

I knew that I would never get my dream, because he belonged to another. But that was okay. I've always been content to sit by and simply watch. So long as I had a part of himit didn't matter to me how.

**"We'll always be friends, won't we, Sunshine?"**

"Hmm, forever and ever I'd say. If I can put up with you this long, I think I can do it for the rest of my life."

"Promise?"

"I swear it,"

"That sounded really mushy."

_How I wish those words didn't haunt me in my sleep. But I'm jumping ahead of myself. It was August. One of those hot, sticky summer nights that make you want to strip naked and drown yourself in cool water._

I remember the way the heat pushed at my body, sweat covering every inch of me, becoming frozen as I ran through the doors of the Emergency Room. When he didn't come by after tutoring I knew something was wrongbut I didn't dream of just how wrong.

I was shepherded around by bodyguards and nurses until finally I could see him. Sitting in bed, hugging his knees, sobbing softly. The doctors were saying something but I couldn't hear them, just insects buzzing, keeping me from going to my Sunshine.

I reached out to touch him, only to jerk my hand back when he flinched. He looked up at me, blinking, confusion and tears in his eyes as he focused on my face, biting his lip.

**"Who are you?"**

_Temporal grade, traumatic amnesia. He didn't remember me. Or anyone pretty much. It would pass, the doctors said. He would start to remember. The memories were still there justlocked away._

I believed those words. I put all my faith into them because if he didn't remember meI would be lost.

But it was hard to put faith into something when reality is staring you in the face, asking who you are.

Things got easier, I guess. His memory wasn't so effected he couldn't remember what we told him, so we weren't constantly repeating ourselves. His guardian tried the hardest to bring him back to who he wasbut I think he enjoyed my lessons best. I mean, which would you prefer, nose to the grindstone, "You will remember if it kills us" style, or "I'm Reiji, your friend, lets get the fuck out of here before we go insane" style?

Thought so.

Then October came. Sheets of rain and howling winds. Kind of like how I feel inside. He was leaving me. They couldn't keep him here with him so messed up and besides, his father wanted him at home.

Kyoto. I learned to hate the name of that place. Just as I hated the name of everyone taking him away from me. I even hated his little brother who called once, begging him to come back. What right did that brat have to take him away from me? He was just his brother.

Right. So he was leavingI told him I could sneak away with him, I was small enough to fit in the overhead bin. He just laughed and called me a self-centered drama queen.

Amazing how well he knew me. But some times I wonder if that's all he knew about me.

**"You'll call and write, won't you? I can't live if I don't hear from you at least once a month!"**

"I promise, Reiji. I'll call and write as often as I can."

"Promise you won't forget me."

"Who can forget you?"

_I watched him board that plan that would take him away from me forever and cried. I remember my last words to himwords he never heard because I whispered them long after his plane had already acceded into the sky._

**"How can you forget someone you can't even remember?"**

_Because no matter how hard he tried, or how well he pretended, he still couldn't remember who I was. To him, I was just some girl claiming to be his friend. The past year, our friendship, had vanished._

I will confess, I waited six years for a letter, always hoping that one dayone day he would remember. He would write me, tell me of what he was doing with his life, who he was now. That I would be more then a face in his past.

Six. Years.

I was eighteen now, the top of my career, the best at what I did. But I wasn't happy. Not in my life, not in love, not inanything. I was restless. I wanted more.

Then I met HIM. Not my sunshinebut so very close. He was beautifullike fluid silk. I'll admit, I had Judy kidnap himbut not for his voice no matter what I told Claude.

I wanted something of that feeling I had back when I was twelve, even if I had to find it in a nineteen year old idiot.

But as I said, fate has a fucked up sense of humor. I had my Angeland yet I wasn't happy. The press conference that day was going to be the biggest XMR had ever hosted, all thanks to my excellent connections.

And then he showed up. Some annoying blond leech, just like every other man I metor so I thought.

**"We can't be sure no one is cominguntil I actually kill you first, Reiji-chan."**

_The fucker pushed me off of a fucking building! Granted he grabbed my wrist at the last moment but still! So there I was, dangling above certain death, being my usual smart ass selfwhen he took off those sunglasses._

As long as I live I will never forget those eyes. For six years I dreamed of them, golden orbs haunting me in my sleep. Those eyes that held joy, happiness, despair, pain, destruction, and nowemptiness.

Sunshine.

My sunshine was holding me off the side of a building, trying to kill me. I told you, Fate had a fucked up sense of humor. But I didn't care. He was there, touching me, real and alive. He could have let go and I wouldn't have noticed.

My angel saved me of course, that WAS the plan after all. I barley even noticed. Sunshine

Eiri Yuki. His name had changed, as had everything about him I'd come to find out. He wasn't the boy I knew any longer, not by a long shot. He was a man. Cold and abrasive. Always looking through you rather then at you, unless your name was Shuichior you wore a short skirt.

But he was my Sunshine. Somewhere in there was the boy I had fallen in love with. And even if I never saw that boy again, I wanted to know this man. So when Shuichi went back to Japan, I followed. I had an easy excuse, I was in lust with Angelfinding Sunshine was just a perk.

And I did find him

And now I sit here, living in his housewatching as he loves others. I will never be to him what I was, nor will I ever be to him what I want.

But I'm okay with that. Just as I was years ago. So long as I have some part of himit doesn't matter how much. Just as long as I get to touch him, to know he's real and alive and THERE.

I still love my sunshine, the boy he wasand the man he's become.

I met the love of my life when I was twelve. And I still love him to this day.

She set her pen in her journal, closing the book and sliding it under her pillow before sighing. She uncrossed her legs, wincing as her body unfolded itself before standing, hopping slightly to get the blood flowing into her legs again.

She walked down the hall, pausing by a door, faint light spilling out of it from a computer monitor. She peeked in and smiled slightly, watching the light play off blond hair and gold wire frames.

"I just which you could remember who we were, Sunshine." she whispered softly before turning away.


End file.
